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i feel like an asshole for never updating. im moving soon, and i have a new friend. jesse. he plays drums for 3 metal bands and is really fucking good. his bands tour all over europe and stuff. we get along really well, and of course hes really hot... ugh of course. i met him at a show i went to with jack...


im officially a fucking cunt.

i cheated on reece last night. with alex.

you want to know what alex said to me after we were done and he wasnt kidding???


omfg omfg omfg.

im not going to tell reece, i dont want to break up with him i love him. i just did it bc i wanted to. god damnit.

Apr. 13th, 2009

well today is my wedding anniversary.

i officially feel like shit.

Apr. 10th, 2009

i had some really good dreams last night. i dreampt that i walked up to braydens mom and stomped her knee hella hard, and i think at one point i had cheesecake on my hands and wiped it in her hair, and then told what a bitch she was.

and the night before last i dreampt that i saw a spider and then didnt kill it bc all beings are important, and then it came up to me and was helping me by bringing me a key . pulling it towards me with its spider thread webbing.

i totally agree witht he fact that smoking weed right before bed makes you not dream bc it affects your seritonin. i stopped smoking within like an hour of bed the last two nights and i had these dreams. i think it could also have to do with the fact that ive been happier lately. when i was really stressed and having nightmares i would only have flickered dreams, nothing that like had an actual plot line. and i couldnt really remember them.

i woke up feeling sick today, my stomach hurt really bad, but it was more or a intentine problem. i went to bed at 10 last night and woke up a little around 8, went back to sleep till 9, then watched tv on my phone until 10 wheni got on my comp and talked to ppl.

im still tired,. but im also high and hungry too.
Brayden is so stupid. i myspaced him the other day and i ended up saying that things were good here and then at the very end i said "i hope things are good w you and i hope those girls at "us 101" are earning the hundreds of dollars you are spending on them, it makes me wonder what you can get for a few hundred from a whore. but thats ur decision."

he didnt write back so i wrote him again saying i wasnt trying to be mean to him but he was creating the light i was seeing him in. he hasnt read it at this point. ew i bet he is paying to have anal sex w them. w his new dick peircing. god that is literally so repulsive im going to puke. my stomach is in my throat. o god.

things w my brother are going really bad. he could get the death penalty i guess but 25-life is more likely although they basically said he still wont get out but he wont get put to death. the lawyer is doing everything he can to not get the death penalty by making it look like josh had a hard childhood to gain sympathy. well the asshole is putting that my moms "POT SMOKING" afftected josh and shit.


for one my mom only smoked a tine amount of weed, and NEVER in front of us or in the same room. we never knew anything and ppl dont even act weird when they smoke!! for christs sake!!!!!!!!!!

now my mom is really really depressed and cant even function bc she feels like she is being blamed and she has to put in writing and submit that she hurt her child and is somehow responsible for his drug use. even though its so not true she has to do it so that if thats the nudgge it takes to get that asshole out of trouble for the final time she'll do it.

god i am so fucking pissed at him for doing this to our family. making my mom and grandparents feel like this. i guess my grandpa cries everyday about it and cant even bare to look at a picture of him. he was the son my grandpa never had and he is so horrified. thats a lot to say bc my grandpa was in the army when he was fucking 16, worked in san quinten prison for 14 years, and didnt even blink an eye when his brother died.

this is worse than my divorce or anything else ever bc not only does it feel like he is now dead, but this was totally unconceivable. i mean i could at least imagine the divorce happening but this? never. ive literally NEVER EVER SEEN JOSH GET IN A FIGHT!!!!!!

god. how???

great now im going to go over to reeces to hang out with him and dumb bitch. ugh.

but not until i smoke another bowl.

my annual summary 2008

these are a few posts, or parts of posts from each month.


wow, its already 2008! today i am soooo fucking hung over its not even funny. last night josh and i went up to the neighbors and got wasted! so yeah, i found out the neighbors name is kyle. god he is so fucking hot. we talked for like 3 hours and i cannot remember anything that we said. i did catch a few things... one was that he thinks im hot, another is that even though he doesnt smoke weed, he will with me! :D i guess i just have that affect on people. he has really cute teeth. they are a bit messed up, but its cute. he looks like tahoe ryan <333333333333

at this point i wanted to cheat on brayden with kyle. but i never would have actually gone through with it. i felt like it but wouldnt. this also shows that after years of not talking to this tahoe ryan i am still obseessed with him. im positive i remember him a thousand time better than he actually way. hotties.

w e dropped josh of at the bus station this morning! thats a big load of stress being shipped back to california! he has an appointment at the well on monday. i wonder if he'll even make it? hope so.

tonight after cooper gets off work at 10, he is going to come over and smoke with meee! yay!

we finally dropped my fucking brother off. he fucked up my marriage a lot and made my life hell for a long time. then he went to rehab and just got out recently. i hope he doesnt fuck up again. also this is when i first started hanging out with cooper my dearest friend.

so not much is up right now. i feel kinda bad because brayden is really upset about his uncle dying and hes trying everything he can to get a plane ticket out there to go to the funeral. hes at the base right now trying to figure out if its possible. even though i know he should totally be able to go to his uncles funeral i feel like i dont really want him to because his family will probably try to talk him into divorcing me. or just talk shit about me in general. im not going to say any of that to him though, im just going to let him go no prob if can, and if he cant get it off i wont be upset. so we'll just see.

ok so this is the perfect example of me KNOWING his family was fucking insane and shit was all wrong but denying it to myself, and trying to be a good wife by letting him go and worrying more about his feelings than my own worry about his demonic family.


brayden is going to cali for nine days, and he is leaving tomorrow. at 4 am. i am sad. and jealous that he gets to go home. its not for a good reason though.

i fucking hated minot. and this is when shit really went down i think. and this is the trip that i think he started talking to sonja on. he asked marcus for her phone number and he wouldnt give it to her. im so thankful for that.

feb 13: i kinda have a bad feeling about something, dont know what though.

feb 15: brayden tried to kill himself again last night by taking 50 sleeping pills. he came out of the shower and told me to take him to the hospital. he is still there.

this horrifies me. this was the second time he tried to kill himself. i hated him for these things. how could he not care that i woul dhave to walk in on something like that. god he was horrible and selfish and awful. i cried so hard. i drove him to the hospital, i brought him cards and art supplies in the hospital and i did EVERYTHING I COULD FOR HIM.

WE LEAVE FOR CHICO AT 3:40 AM!!! woooot this is going to be hella fuuuuuun! i cant even believe its happening!  :P

i couldnt wait to go on this trip home. it was glorious to me once we arrived. we rolled on he in bidwell park and it was coopers first time. it was so fucking fun and awsome. we also met purple crow at this time.


Ah. the ultimate large mc'post.

the ride to california was far better than the ride home. the first night we had an 11 hour lay over in spokane, wa. we arrived there at night to we rented a hotel and slept. but first we hot boxed the bathroom with a joint and laughed our asses off doing impresions of jeremy. then when we got up to get on our bus we met a 16 y/o names isaac. we smoked him out. he carried a guitar with him. that night i was able to sleep on the bus so it was cool.

then we got to chico and aaron picked us up. he is such a nig now that he lives with zack and kalindi. we chilled, smoked, did e, and walked all around downtown chico and the chico state campus. we also chilled with lisa and billy. lisa even hit the bong and didnt get high!!!! god! it would have been so funny if she had. we wanted to get a little coke but didnt end up happening. i kinda ran out of money. when we were rolling in the park it was so fun. everything seemed so fucking awsome and amazing!!! 

this is just a summary of that trip

ah. i havent really felt good the last few days. my neck and back has been really sore, and my nose/throat have been really dry. i seriously need to get out of the house today. 

so i havent had my period for like 55 days. im not preg for sure, ive taken 4 preg tests in the last 2.5 weeks. it just has to be from getting off the bc pill. its totally not unheard of to miss a period, but its annoying. i wish i would either just be preg, or get the rag finally. ive been having some cramps the last few days, but they just go away. my boobs have been a little sore too, so i think im going to start soon.... hopefully anyway....

this was a pretty sad thing looking back on it. brayden lied to me and told me he wanted us to have a baby. so i got off the pill and thats why my periods were all fucked up. im thankful now that we didnt get pregnant for many reasons, some of which being it could be demonic like his family, look lik ehis mom, and would have tied me to them forever. but it is heartbreaking bc i really wanted it at the time bc i thought it would make us happy, make the drama with his family not matter, and make me and the baby his number one priorities. thats not what would have happened though. and it was something i had dreampt of since i was 16. the fairytale ending i guess, and by god it would have been a glorious child.

I just had awsomely dirty sex with brayden. mmmmmm!

at this time i barely ever got off and faked it all the time, even though brayden had a huge dick. reece is way better in bed and i get off every time.


got drunk and puked last night. kyle told megan that brayden was cutting his wrists over me liking him. kyle only knows about it bc i saw him like 5 min after it happened and i was crying and i told him what was wrong. he asked if it had to do with him, and i said NO WAY NOT AT ALL. he told megan that he did to e a cunt. kyle called megans phone, i answered and BITCHED HIM THE FUCK OUT. then i called him and left a message saying, "you are so lucky i dont see you right now bc i want to kill you." i really did. he really is lucky. im over it now. everyone hates him :) but i didnt tell brayden about it bc i know he would literally kill him and i dont want him getting in trouble. fyi: kyle moved out of town yesterday. fuck him, i hope he dies.

this is the perfect example of what a douch kyle turned out to be. and thats the bad megan. she was my "friend" but when i moved away she tired to hook up with brayden. cunt cunt cunt cunt. i really did want to kill this kid, and i was hella drunk so i would have at least punched him adn could have probably kicked his ass no problem.

ahhhh i havent  written in a while. ive just been so tired and busy! yesterday was my 21st bday!!!! cooper bought be a beer pong table. and everything i needed to play including beer! well, he paid for it and i bought it!! :P some ppl came over and played. we started getting wasted at 2 in the afternoon loloololol!

the last week with brayden hasnt been that great, but things are better since yesterday. today we had sex for the first time in over a week. he said he cant come and doesnt want to have sex bc of the prozac. so his doc told him to take welbutrin at the same time as the prozac to increase his sex drive. he said he can tell its working, but i cant. the sex was pretty good, i didnt come but he did. i was glad about that. he was also kinda rougher with me than he usual, it was kinda weird at frist but i liked it.

megan has come over a few times.... shes.... weird. she is always saying weird sexual inuendos and shes really airheaded and forgetful. shes nice but idk.... annoying sorta.

this is just embarassing that this happened to me. brayden wouldnt even fuck me. god it makes me feel like what the fuck is so wrong with me?? also it shows cooper is the best friend ever bc he got me stuff for my bday where as brayden literally got me nothing. also, megan is a cunt bag.

things havent really been that good over the last few days. yesterday i got pissed at brayden for lying to me about cleaning the sink, not getting the sheets out of the dryer (BOTH OF WHICH I SAID HE DID AND WHEN I CAME HOME THEY WERE NOT DONE) DIRECT LIES!! and he made me buy my own b-day present, and he didnt even hang out with me on our anniversary. he played wow. and he wouldnt even come to the park with me and cooper. and i gave him an hour body massage and he didnt even do mine, he was "too tired". and of course he had been too tired to clean up the chicken mess he made in the kitchen. he did it the next day but he said he would do it that night...... he has been a total lazy ass dick head. i basically want to stab him.

brayden was probably sitting home emailing sonja at this time. he constantly ignored me and lied to my face 24/7. had i only understood all of this sooner. i fucking hate him.


me and brayden are getting divorced. here is the timeline...

his dad showed up in town, brayden told me he wanted to divorce me, i tried to kill myself and was hospitalized in the icu for 2 days (cutting, pills) then saturday at 4:30 am i flew home to cali. i am now living at my moms and plan on moving in to an apt at the end of the month with aaron and some chick. im actually ok now. i was so delusional about everything before. omfg. o.m.f.g.

at this time i was completely fucking delsional and not ok in any sense of the word. for weeks after this is felt high, cant remember parts of it, and just went from one extreme to the other. california was beautiful at this time. it was just spring and it was so amazing my eyes almost burned right out of my head.

so i did tyler again, sober this time, and it was ok. his dick was pretty small though X_x dont really plan on doing it again, but he is a cutie and a nice guy.

however, there is a super super hot guy named josh (my brothers name too!!!!!!) who works at the naked lounge. omg such a hottie!! lolol. he is really skinny, dresses like a skater, and always wears a beanie because he has dreads!! i asked him about them when i went to get coffee today and he was so cute and all like " well kinda, they are just forming so..." and he has pretty blue eyes :P not sure how old he is or anything, but he is hot 4 sho. 

then i made the really bad mistake of fucking braydens friend. he was cute and said he liked me and i thought he was nice but then he turned out to be a huge asshole and i really regret doing this. his dick was small haha. this was my 'slut phase."

im  in sanfran right now :) im having an ok time. i feel kinda crappy because idk lisa and rod are all over eachother (mostly him on her) and now they are in the room fucking and im just sitting here alone in the livingroom. i dont really have a problem with them doing it, especially bc they live 4 hours apart so they dont get to see each other that much. but i guess im just lonely right now, and feel kinda jealous. 

this was a really fun trip even though it was weird. we went to the club in sf and it was crazy, like a rave inside! i felt lonely tho.


yo. not too much new. i dotn like tyler anymore. he is just another asshole with a dick between his legs. 

i hung out with a kid john who i think likes me, but i dont like him like that.

ive been chillin with juaquin a lot. he is cool

i hung out with josh yesterday for a while and im supposed to borrow paint from him today :) we are just friends though. which is ok with me, because even though he is into the same things as me, he kinda goes overboard and i think that its weird that hes always talking about "going concious" or however you spell that.

bedouin soundclash does a cover of waiting for my ruca and it is songasmic. love it!! all of their music rules.

all is basically well as of now and i fucking love my room!!!

slut phase in action.

ive been feeling a lot lately. ive been wanting to post more, but theres always ppl around so i dont feel like i can write it all without someone seeing it. 

ive been thinking a lot about brayden. and crying a lot. i alternate between total disbeliefe, anger, and despair. its very painful. small things set me off. i also saw a list in a magazine "ten songs to get you in the mood" one was 'lovers spit' by broken social scene. brayden told me that when we broke up last time he listened to that song and thought about me. its not a sexual song, its actually more sad sounding so i dont know why it would be on that list. seeing it made me cry, and then i took a pic and sent it to brayden hopefully to remind him that he actually loved me at one point. 

someone asked me if he was sorry for what he had done and i really have no idea. i hope he is. i want to believe he is. 

i guess i was pretty depressed at this time.

the boys are here. river today. omfg reece is so fucking hot. :D jesus.

he hee hee reece <3

we went camping for a few days. we started out in arcata, and then went down the coast to sanfrancisco. we camped three nights total and then stayed in a hotel in oakland. the next day we went all around sanfran. it was so much fun! we went to golden gate park and smoked and chilled and it was so beautiful. colder than fuck though. then we went to haight ashburry and saw all the hippy shit :) it was cool. then we went to hippy hill and bought weed and shrooms (for cooper anyway) the only thing that sucked about the trip was that i had no money, and it was so fucking cold the whole time! i thought since it was june and july it would be at least kinda warm, but no. not at all.

onto a better subject... reece.  ok lets just start out to say jesus fucking christ he is hot. brown hair, blue eyes, square jaw, hot body (skinny), and mmmmmm his lips are so delicious. not to mention that he loves weed!!! lol. and he dresses just like a skater :D we started out when he didnt bring any kind of sleeping bag or blanket camping so i let him sleep in my blanket with me (of course). we didnt hook up at all until after camping, but we were cuddling and kissing and shit the whole time. then once we got back we finally had sex. it was good.

this was really when i first got to know reece. he moved to chico about 2 weeks after this and its when we started dating.

god i cant wait for reece to get here tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fucking shit he is so hot! i want to rip his clothes off so bad. 

i also start work tomorrow. 

i am so fucking horny
i want weed :)


i got an email from braydens dad bitching about the money saying that braydens mom sent him a copy of our bank statement. BRAYDENS MOM IS STILL CHECKING OUR BANK ACCOUNT. SHE IS A BLISTERED CUNT. so to solve all future problems i changed the bank account password and im not telling anyone what it is. especially not brayden. and in fact im going to tell him not to call me unless he is in chico with my shit. god.

ok braydens mom is a FUCKING PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont know if i mentioned in the last post that brayden spent 150 at the strip club last weekend.... well if so i just want to restate how rediculous he is. what is he thinking saying he will do anything to get back together with me and then does shit like this? i just dont see what his motivation is! and he still hasnt sent me my fucking medical card!!!! i really need to go to the dentist but im kinda scared :( its weird, when i think about brayden, which happens about 75% of my day i feel sick. its like a physical feeling for sadness. it just hurts really bad. i dotn want to get back together with him but it still hurts so freaking bad. plus i figure that since it has to end eventually with reece (wether it be 20 days or 20 years from now, who knows) whats the point of even giving yourself away since its all just going to get fucked in the end anyway? thats a depressing thought. and when i think about brayden its just like i catch myself getting pissed in my thoughts, like how could he kinda shit, or i think about what i would be saying to his mom or someone else in his family. i just notice myself thinking about it a lot. and when i start doing that i just remind myself not to feed into it and kinda change my thoughts to something else. its so exhausting. i think ill probably end up having a heart attack or something...

its weird how rediculous things can be. seriously its so fucking rediculous.


so anyway, i cant wait to get the car from orion. its going to be so tight!! it will be soooo much nicer to have my own car i wont have to worry about getting rides everywhere it totally sucks!!!!! i dont have a ride two nights this week to shaunas. i hope i dont have to work at journeys. they just hired two new ppl. i dont know whats up with that. appearantly there is this new chick. i hope shes not some dumb cunt that ray hired bc shes a slut. it very well could be though. and there is some new dude, i think i talked to him once thinking he was a customer when he first came in to talk to ray. i cant really remember what he looked like though.

my computer is supposed to come today. i dont have anywhere to put it in my room, nor do i have internet in there.

my neck hurts.

i really wish i had some xanax :D

brayden is such an asshole. i just dont understand how or why he could do this.

opinions please

this is the letter brayden said he wrote to his family. i told him i woldnt believe he sent it until i saw an email to me with all of their emails copied or whatever. that way i have proof he sent it.

Dear to all who read this,



          As you all know who this is I assume, Im writting this letter for many reasons. First of all, I would like to touch on the subject of my relationship with my wife. As you all know of the events that occured here in Minot, there was some facts I decided to leave out just for my own name sake between family and friends. I did not tell the whole truth as I should have. Pointing fingers at everybody else is the fail safe I usually execute when things become too severe for me to take responsibility for. Brittney may have done some things that would be considered dramatic and immature, but I would have to say I was the cause of her actions where any normal or sane person would do the same. I did come in contact with another female on the internet with intents unfaithfull. I can't hide from the truth any longer, my body and spirit have been torn for so long, now I hope to save what little I have left.


          There where also some factors in my relationships that werent of my doing, other forces in the family circle did come into place. But I would also have to say that those forces wouldnt have been a probIem if I just told the truth about my relationship.I did ignore her, I did treat her poorly, I did nothing to fix it. I realize all this.........I realize all this when it is too late to make amends for all the pain I have committed, and dont get me wrong I did committe. As much as you all to believe me as a good wholesome individual, I am not. I made probly the biggest mistake in my life, I lost the only person that I could actually possibley maybe live a happy life with.


          I do love her, I love Brittney Suzanne Dockendorf. I love her with every breathe I will take, even after life I will love her in spirit. I cant discribe the longing and pain I feel everyday for a touch, exchanging words, the fragrance of her hair. I have lost something so dear that nobody can understand the loss. Words cant describe how much I want her back, and I will try with every piece of my being to be with her again. What ever means necessary.........


          You all have supported me no matter what happend to me, or whatever situation I was in

but I do know that you all will think poorly of me for stating all of this, I understand from your perspective, I would be too. All I ask from all of the my loved ones is to understand, not forgiveness but just to understand. I am a self destructive person that never faced the truth, always figured out a lie to keep me in the highest regard. The truth is, is that Im not what most people think I am. I cant better discribe myself than what my father regarded me as a Chameleon.

No matter where I am, or what I do I mold/change myself to the enviroment Im in. The people, the places, the mentality. I dont know who I am anymore, the only thing I know is that I lost, I lost something preshish. Love, true love and that I cant ever achieve or find that ever again. Just for once in my life I want to be completely honest with everybody, that maybe I cant be someone.


          I have alot of work ahead of me to make things right between everybody. Again I understand all of your oppositions because I can put myself in your shoes. I just hope that you can do the same for me. I am a fool and more ways than one and Jack can totally reinforce this heheh.


          Everybody has a path in life, they have hardships to get through. My hardship is to find myself and my place in this life. My father can understand this, but for everybody else I just hope that one day that I find what I losed, and find my purpose. I do love you all but I need to do some things that you all may not agree with, but alas you need to understand or respect my choices.


                                                          From Brayden L Dockendorf

Dec. 30th, 2007

 brayden told me that my boobs look more... bulbus... ok. they have been a little achey. i know sore breasts and nipples are an early sign of pregnancy, but they dont HURT hella bad like ppl explain that theirs do/did. they arent sore or tender to the touch, just sorta achey. still no period either. and i had a cramp in my right calf last night. so if nothing happens by the first i will get a few preg tests and take them.

brayden said that it would be ok if i was preg, and just acted all cool with it. that made me feel better. if its nothing, thats fine too, and if i am then great. the fact that i am missing my period and having those weird cramps, then nothing, is getting my hopes up a little, but if im not then i just tell myself that it will happen when its meant to. i really do believe that. i also think it would be miraculous if i was bc it would have happened like, instantly. it would be very very cool, but ok if not.... alright, ive said that enough times.

i actually got a load of laundry done :) so miracles do happen!

everything else is going good.
 i thought i would mention all that went on last night :)

so brayden came in the room and started to give me a massage as he had promised he would. he was rubbing lotion all over my back and stuff and was going on about it when he decidided he wanted to pull down my pants :D

then i could feel his boner on me. after he was done i put on my new sexy outfit. this included these tall tube socks with red stripes around the top that brayden requested, the red short shorts and a tank top. i got on him and started blowing him and then he went down on my and made me come while fingering me and playing with my ass. didnt take long. then we started from behind and THEN i turned over onto my back and put my legs up by my face. i let him in the back door LOLOLOL. it didnt hurt too bad since there was a lot of spit-lube. all went well and he came in my ass. yep, he liked that.

then later when i went to the bathroom to clean up i noticed a little blood specs on the tp. i know the ass thing is what caused it. didnt really bother me at all, so i guess we can do that sometimes :) 

so yeah, that was my anal experience LOL. it was good, i mean its not going to make me come, but its not bad.